I know you probably read the title to this post about three times trying to make sure that you didn’t skip any words or hoping that maybe I made an error . Nope, I meant what I typed and I typed what I meant. Get yourself a cup of tea and some tissue…its going to be a good one.
I was angry at God for several years. Let me explain…
Eight years ago I found out that I was pregnant with my first son. I was fresh out of grad school, just completed my internship in Manhattan and was searching for jobs. My husband and I had been married for one year and the possibilities of a successful careers were opening up left and right….well for him at least. I was trying to find a permanent guidance counselor position at a school in upstate New York and was currently working at a private college’s summer program as an academic advisor. I knew my time there was running out…and I had just found out a few weeks prior that I was pregnant. I always wanted children; I just didn’t know that it would happen so soon after I got married (side note, we were using a means of birth control but it clearly didn’t work for us).
During the first half of my pregnancy I spent my days diligently hunting for a job. After my temporary position ended, I continued searching and going on multiple interviews. All were not directly in my field and they were offering me way less than I expected (“I had a Masters Degree in School Counseling and Guidance from New York University…surely Im worth more than that”, I scoffed). I was traveling far distances to some of these interviews and I was growing larger and larger. Eventually my husband and I decided that I should just try searching again after the baby was born.
After our son was born, I slipped into what I now realize was a state of depression. I felt worthless; like being a mom was a mundane chore. I loved my baby, but I thought I was supposed to be doing more. I was supposed to be changing the lives of troubled kids by counseling them and helping them find their strengths. I was supposed to have a thirving social life with other young professionals; not spending endless hours nursing, rocking, diapering, and bathing an infant. I felt robbed and cheated. I grew to resent my husband and could barely sit through conversations about his day at work because I envied him so much.
I developed anxiety. Simply waking up at night to nurse my baby drove me to a tearful panic. I was so consumed with what I didn’t have, that It affected my ability to bond properly with my baby. When he napped I job hunted, when he was awake I had panic attacks about breast feeding, his health, and his weight gain. I remember taking him to the doctor for every little rash or bump that appeared on his perfect honey brown skin. I couldn’t stay home alone for fear that I would loose my mind obsessing over being a mother and not finding job.
But mostly I was pissed off…totally livid. I was mad that God didn’t bless me with what I felt like I deserved; a well paying job as a guidance counseling for the New York Department of Education. I felt like I was a good girl who always did everything right, so I should have been rewarded with whatever I asked God for. I treated God as if He were a genie. I believed that if I asked then He should grant me my wishes. I was angry that my “genie” wasn’t working and that my plan for my life was being destroyed by God’s will.
Eventually I decided to change career paths. If I couldn’t find a guidance counselor position then I needed to switch gears…or so I thought. I decided to pursue nursing. I nearly destroyed my marriage while I took classes in the city and went days with out spending time with my husband and my son. During that time I became pregnant with our second son. We had spoken about having another baby so at the time I was glad because God gave me what I wanted.
After my second son was born, I went back to work and continued online classes for nursing. I was tired and miserable but at least I wasn’t “wasting my time” at home with my kids. I was developing my career and I felt more value in that than I did in my role as a wife and mother. But on the inside, I felt horrible. It hurt me to come home and find out that my baby had reached another milestone in his development and I had missed it. My three year old was developing into an amazingly intelligent child, but I hasn’t there to enjoy it.
Only months after having my second son, I became pregnant again. At that point I realized it was best for me to stop working. Childcare prices were astronomical and coordinating life around mine and my husbands work schedules and three kids ages 3, 1 and zero was nearly impossible. The best option for our family was for me to become a stay at home mom.
This whole time I was battling God about why my life hadn’t turned out the way I expected it to. I was resentful and cut myself off from my friends because I felt as if I couldn’t identify with them any more. At the time I was the only one of my college friends who was married with several children. They saw me as a supermom…but I was empty, frustrated and isolated.
I had to stop and ask God why. I realized that God needed to work on my character. I was so set on my own plan for my life that I began seeing God’s blessings as road blocks. Instead of being grateful I became angry and resentful. I needed to be doing my plan and I couldn’t handle the fact that it wasn’t working out that way. At that point in my life I believed that God’s plan for my life wasn’t good enough. I turned His blessings into a curse and fought a fight that was unnecessary.
Over the past two years I finally realized how blessed I truly am. I can see how being a mother to my three precious boys has made me better; how serving my family has humbled me and helped me understand the love that God has for me. I began helping other moms who feel overwhelmed or disorganized because I realized that God gave me these gifts long before I earned any degree.
Homeschooling has sparked the desire in myself and my husband to start a non profit organization for African american boys and prayerfully a STEM charter school for disadvantaged youth. Educating my sons has taught me the importance of individualized education and hands on learning that make boys thrive. Blogging has connected me to women who share a similar story and struggle and has allowed me to encourage moms who feel alone, overwhelmed and hopeless.
God has a plan for all of us. It may not be what you intended, but God knows your talents and gifts and He knows how and where they can be utilized to make the most difference. I no longer struggle from time to time about my purpose. I know exactly where God wants me to be so I’m going to go where He leads and I have surrendered my will to His will.
To the woman out there who feels inadequate at home, who’s tired of the mundane day to day tasks of raising little children and caring for your home and family…I know how you feel because Ive been there. You need to know that you are valuable, you are priceless and Gods plan for you is greater than anything you could have ever dreamed for yourself. It’s only by going through my struggles that I have been able to help others and understand and respect the roles of wife, mother and homemaker.
Will I be at home with my sons indefinitely? Only time and Gods will can reveal that. I keep my career certificates current so that I can use them when ever the need may arise. But there is one thing that I do know…I am content and happy where I am in this season of my life and I thank God for giving me the passion that I now have about motherhood and the ability to share the blessings of motherhood with others.
Half Mom Half Amazing came from my personal revelation about the “superpowers” of motherhood and I want you know that you are full of potential! Enjoy this season of your life to the fullest and God will bless you tremendously! His plan is more than good enough…its absolutely perfect!
From one amazing mother to another,